Is it true that when we're young, we look to the future with great optimism, with a blind anticipation of what is to come? Yet, as we age, the future is not as eagerly awaited. It is just the promise for more suffering, more solitude, more time to watch yourself die. How can one solve such a puzzle? How can a young man make a older soul see that there is hope? Maybe this young soul should take some important lessons from the older gentleman and order his steps accordingly. When I see my friend, I think of so many dreams lost. In his eyes, I see so much regret and sadness. Our conversations no matter how lighthearted, easily slip into "I hate my life" realm. It is difficult for me to relate to him because no matter how much stress that I am dealing with today, I look forward to the future.  I know that tomorrow is another day; I'll risk sounding cliche.

I now believe the hardest thing in the world is not losing a loved one, or ending a long relationship, or even watching somebody die. It is knowing where you are going, feeling comfortable with your destination, and deciding to take a different path. Everything we do, everywhere we go, becomes part of our identity. When sorrow enters our life, it can be a crutch. Simply because it will always be there. It will never fail us. It is the immediate step after a wonderful day. Sometimes, it is not pain that won't let us go, it is us that won't let pain go.

I believe with age, comes knowledge, and with knowledge comes, refusal to change. We get so caught up in what is likely to happen, due to the facts that are present, that we forget the childlike joy of discovery. So often, we confuse challenge for defeat.

In a few weeks, I will graduate from Western Washington University with a Bachelors Degree in Sociology and Spanish Language. In September, I will move to Spain to work as a Language and Culture Assistant in secondary school in Burgos. Despite my achievements, I am finding it difficult to celebrate.

The past two years here in Bellingham have been difficult overall. As much as I appreciate the opportunities presented to me, I still feel a small lump in my throat when I think about my experiences here in total. Perhaps I could have been a little more open and more giving, but in my heart I know if I were to do that I would be forsaking some aspect of my personality. That I would be assuming some safe character in order to make my lesser experienced colleagues more comfortable.

What I do wish is that people could have seen me in a different light. If they could have seen me in my comfort zone. Perhaps, I would not have been as negative as I can be at times, especially when I am dealing with high levels of stress.  I understand now that a university atmosphere is all about proving ground, basically proving yourself.  Proving yourself is so important especially if you are a minority. Therefore, I was unofficially deemed as not as intelligent as my classmates,although in most my courses, I was one of the best students.

What living in Bellingham has taught is the importance of pursuing one's dreams. Through all of the good and the bad, I remained focused on my goal: graduating. That particular goal overrode a lot of things that many university students cherish, which is another reason why I bonded with so few. A small minority from my neighborhood can say that they have accomplished what I have; and for this I feel fortunate.  I could have easily slipped into the cracks that are characteristic of my class background.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of growing up is parting ways with friends. I believe that I have lost some friends because of differences with my "lifestyle."  I was prepared for these changes for a long time, but it still hurts the same. I learned that I cannot truly be at peace with who I am and lie to the people who I live. The people whose opinion I feel counts. So, today I just let it all hang out. Damn the consequence. Foxy Brown said in a song regarding her old friends, "and what's left for me, is to extend my hand/ If they don't reach, then I'll let them be."

I long for happiness, just some fleeting emotion, but sustainable contentment. I just have to be patient. But it has to begin within. I have decided that I am worthy of joy.

 

I sometimes worry about my own negativity. I fear that my perception about life in general is so bleak that I deny myself the opportunity to have rewarding experiences. My negativity impedes true expression, pure and without apology. Irrational insecurities follow me every day from early in the morning until I go to bed at night.

I am confused not by the feelings, but by their persistence. These emotions are familiar; they marked a major part of my childhood.  But through time, meditation, and taking little risks, I conquered all of the fears. Or so I thought. I realize now that when those fears were conquered, I was not the same man that I am today. Coming to terms with my sexuality, moving out on my own, and returning to complete my education in a strange university have caused all of the silly fears to return. Here I am, feeling like an insecure child.

I walk the streets in fear of some arsehole yelling epithets out their vehicle as they pass. They don’t need to be creative in choosing a taunt (I am Black, fat, and gay… so take your pick.) I constantly worry about smelling good, so the dominant culture that surrounds me cannot detect a foul odor that they expect. I often make sure that I look alright and wear nice clothing so I can appear less threatening.

Yet despite my efforts, I am still treated like or at the very least, perceived as a savage. From academic discussions, customer service transactions at my job, and even in friendly conversations; my intelligence is always questioned, and often underestimated.

Things are not any better within my own communities. In the gay world, I am just a Black guy, perhaps good looking or “cute” to some (a tasty treat for those rare indulgent moments; but nothing more than that.) I am definitely not suitable for any kind of stimulating conversation, witty exchanges, or playful teasing. I am just good for inquiries about my endowment, or anything related to my sexual prowess. On the surface, it would seem that I am just being paranoid, yet I cannot help but see the contrast. The contrast that exists between myself and my White gay friends. They get to befriend one another, while I just get the initial “Let’s fuck” invite and very little afterwards. Nobody ever asks about my interests, my experiences, nor invited to dinner just to talk.

Among Black folk, I am sometimes acknowledged, but rarely allowed to get close; a lot of times due to my “unconventional” sexuality.

The weight upon me is profound. But I am strong. I can carry it for the rest of my life. I do not have a choice. Thanks for reading.

Tags: black, gay, life, personal, sad

Time has certainly passed since I've written anything in the blogosphere (however you spell it).  I have been busy with school, work, and other things.  But I just wanted to share some little television gems that I have discovered... TV has been generous enough to show was some dee-lish-us reality show bears.

Tags: drano, ed hartwell, famous bears

It has been 5 days since I have returned home, and I haven’t done a lot.  I have been keeping myself busy watching tv, playing videogames, helping around the house, and going on little walks.  I hope to get some substitute time working at the library ‘cause I could use the money.

In some ways, I feel like a teenager again.  Especially when I walk around the old neighborhood, which has changed quite bit yet still has the same feeling.  

The most awkward thing to experience are the random encounters with people who went to the same high school as me.  Oddly enough, many of the old faces remember who I am.   But sadly, the memory is not shared in most cases.  It is hard for me to remember people who were not in my small social circle in high school or those with whom I did not share memorable experiences.

I think in small tribute to White Center, the “high crime” area that I call home, I will start taking random snapshots of the area.   My reasoning is that nobody really documents this area and it changes so quickly that I fear people will forget the old town.  I can see 20 years from now, this town will be a yuppie breeding ground.

Until then, take care and thanks for reading.

Tags: development, home, seattle, white center, yuppie

Well in my email inbox, I received the following message:

Hi Marcus!

 

 

I'm happy to announce that you've won second prize in the poetry
category in this year's World's Muse writing contest, AND third prize in
the essay category. We'll be publishing your pieces  in the next issue
of our journal, "The World's Muse".

 

We have two small cash prizes to send you as well: $25.00 for second and
$15.00 for third prize, for a total of $40.00.  

 

 

If you'll reply to this letter and send me a street address, I'll ask
the university to mail you your check.

 

Thanks so much for participating in our contest!


------------------------------------



The World's Muse is like most literary contests, but the difference is 
that the submissions are "work conceived and executed in languages other than English."
I was surprised to get anything for the contest because as much I love writing,
I never placed in a contest before.  In other news, I am back in Seattle for the summer. 
Only thing, I will miss is a special somebody (you know who you are.) But it's good to be
back in the hood! :P

Tags: contest, literary, muse, world's, zach

A month ago, I decided to take a very hard step.  After years of lies, I finally told my momma the truth over the phone.  It went a lil’ somethin’ like this:

 

Mom: (knowing it’s me calling) Yyyess?

 

Me: Hey ma, how you doing?

 

Mom: I’m good, how are you?

 

Me: I’m alright.  Ummmm mom, I um.  Remember when you asked me somethin’ and ummm.

 

Mom: Uh?

 

Me: (stammering like a motherfucker) Like… well… when… you… asked me um… after you met my um… friend?

 

Mom: (in her classic mom voice)  Boy, just spit it out!

 

Me: Well, okay.  Mom… I’m… gay.  I’m gay.

 

Mom: Yeah, well I knew that.

 

Me:  Yeah I know you did.

 

Mom:  Why did you wait so long to tell me?

 

Me:  I don’t know.  I was scared.

 

Mom: Well it’s your life son.  You have a right to make your own choices.  You know I love you.

 

Me: Yes, I know.

 

Mom: (slight chuckle) Boy, I knew you were gay when I met your one friend from San Francisco.  I always suspected you were, but that confirmed it.

 

(We both laugh and continue to talk about it.)

 

Yes, I finally did it.  Now I ain’t gotta lie about trivial BS anymore.  I am not an advocate for coming out at all, but if you can do it, then go for it.  I probably will not don a Gay flag bumper sticker anytime soon, but I am certainly pleased with my decision.

 

Tags: coming out, family, gay, mom

The preceding message was written on the Free Speech Board at the Western Washington University Viking Union.  Now, I didn't write  single word of it, but I thought the response message was priceless.  I feel like when you are on campus, you are constantly bombarded with strong opinions.  Every once in a while, I myself hear some student make a cringe-worthy statement.  Fortunately, none have been vile enough for me to get ig'nant (yes, ig'nant) with them. 

In other news, I asked all three of my professors to write a letter of recommendation for the Modern and Classical Languages scholarships.  Dr. Paqui Paredes, Dr. Rangel-Guerrero, and Dr. Mogford were all more than happy to do it.  I am just happy that I have at least made an impact on some of the professors here at Western.  Honestly, I think that Dr. Tsunokai would have been a better option for a letter of recommendation than Dr. Mogford.  We passed by one another on campus today and he even reminded me that if I plan on taking Soc 310 fall quarter then I better submit my override request now.  That man is already getting override requests from students and its only Spring quarter, so popular.  I thought it was nice of him to remind me, but honestly i don't know because I am still trying to go to Argentina for fall quarter.  Anyways, I figured that Dr. Tsunokai would have been a better choice because he has gotten to know me better on a personal level than Dr. Mogford.  But I ask him because, since he's well-liked, I am sure that he has a shit-load of requests for recommendation letters.

My computer is not doing well at all.  A good 98% of the programs are not functionally properly or not at all. Mozilla Firefox seems to work fine though, at least I can browse the net.  I have already ordered a dell laptop because of my current PC situation and also, because I have been hungry for a laptop for the longest time.  The laptop will arrive April 30th... because according to the Dell website, it is "in production." LOL... my ass.  That laptop is in some box in Pittsburgh most likely. 

Tags: computer, dell, free, god, professor, religion, speech, wwu

I must be on some pervert type stuff posting two entries featuring shirtless guys, but hey you have to get it when you can.  Southern rapper David Banner celebrated his birthday in some club in San Francisco last week.  If you don't know David Banner,  he had small part in that controversial, misogynistic film Black Snake Moan.  Yep he played the thug that had that brief love scene with Christina Ricci's nympho-licious character.  Yeah he is very straight, but also very thick and handsome.  Please don't hurt me David... much respect. I  am just giving props where props is due.  You look like you could build a lucky lady a mansion with your own hands.

Tags: banner, birthday, crush, david, party

Comedian and radio show host, Steve Harvey recently has shed some pounds and has beefed up quite a bit.  Since then, he has started a "Take Your Shirt Off" campaign to encourage his listeners, primarily Black men, to lose weight.  He and some of his co-workers did a little photoshoot to launch the campaign.  Kudos to Steve Harvey for getting in shape and encouraging the African-American community to follow suit.  On a physical level, and you know i had to go there, Steve's pic doesn't offer that much inspiration.  But I must say I am intrigued by his beefy bodyguard. hehe.  I guess even older straight black men have their homoerotic moments...

Tags: harvey, homoeroticism, off, shirt, steve, take